Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Letting Go

I don't expect any of my readers to get this. Not one. This is gonna be a move-on post for the lot of you, and it's only on the blog so I can refer to the dateline.

Release is never easy for me. I am processing something now that has been a huge challenge for me. I am almost there, but facing pain, especially in the absence of external resolutions, is hard for anyone. For me, with my Achilles' heel flaw of being hypersensitive to being abandoned or ignored, it's an exquisite, nagging pain. Coupled with the hugely pressing anxiety attacks from the last month, I finally gave it up.

I am stubborn. I am a Christian, just a very, very liberal one. We're ELCA Lutherans, which is about as true-to-what-I-naturally-believe as we could find, and the doctrine leaves a lot up to the individual. It does not however, ignore God and its presence and power in our lives.

We got the van back last night. The phones seem to be working again. My house arrest appears to be over. It's all very timely, and now I have to figure out the lesson. I do listen to God, it just takes more than nudging, sometimes. The lesson may be that I don't get to know the why. My place has been set, and that's all there is to it.

I am grateful, as always, for what I do have.

Questions linger:
  • why has the concerta changed? am I healed?
  • will this marital cameraderie continue? are we finally through the baby years?
  • why can't I help with any of the new ones when, for the first time ever, I am qualified and capable?
  • what about me makes me best suited to helping people when they are in need? why I am otherwise disposable?
  • two months' grounding. Two MONTHS?
  • can we do it this time? make the life the way we said it should be? can that even happen here?
  • am I healing?


  1. There is the saying God only gives us what we can handle.. and at times it sure would be nice if he took a little of it back.. I cannot say as I know what you are thinking but part of me wonders some of the same things at times as well.
    Know you are loved. By those there on a day to day basis.. By those who only know you via internet and those who feel they have known you a lifetime but only been to visit once or twice.

  2. Can I just ditto Cam?!? I know I have been struggling lately with my relationship with God. Not that I don't think he isn't here. But - how can the expectation of meeting in a building and being/acting this exact way be the right path. And why is someone else Damned if they think outside the box? Or even think in a different corner of the box. Its my relationship.....not what others see my relationship as. Oh well...I could go on with that.

    Thanks goodness for mobility and I so glad you are free again.

    Remember I think of you everyday in your little place of heaven in the Northwest!!