G is a Mommy now

She has really embraced her baby dolls now, one in particular which she has imaginatively ( hah ) named Newborn.

She'll stroll the baby into the room and introduce herself, and ask me my name. Then she'll introduce Newborn.

Wolfmeister(AKA Mrs Feduppica): What a lovely baby. Where did you have her?

G: Oh, at home.

W: Did you have a midwife?

G: No, no. I did it myself. I was just walking through my bedroom when she fell out of my pee pee place. I had to just pick her up and love her!

Color me Tired

Color me tired. D has hit his two week growth spurt and is nursing almost constantly, day and night. I am not getting engorged, and the little tyke has turned into a laundry-generating piss pot. He's eating a LOT. This boy is trying to keep up with his linebacker older brother.

Did I mention he is perfect? When sleeping, D is indistiguishable from newborn G. When he's awake he just looks like himself. That's so fascinating to me.

G is (almost) perfect and N is (almost) perfect. G is very in love with her dollbaby, Newborn, and is a very good mommy to her.

N has finally started loving Mommy again, largely because I can play with him once more. Pain-free is good!

P is happier now that baby is here and he can really dig into new job. It means some nights away, but I can handle that I guess.

Perfect Smiles

D has been smiley since he came out, but I don’t think anyone could argue now that his smiles aren’t social. Yesterday he was in quiet-alert state, holding eye contact with me, when he curled into a big open-mouthed smile. Then he came back to staring at my eyes. That was a SMILE for me. THRILLED me.

D’s birth has been very healing for me. I am just in love with all my children.

I have three children!

Perfect

Yesterday D’s cord stump fell off. Today he got his first bath. He’s developing the chubby cheeks and he’s unfolding his little legs. It’s such a miracle. Our last baby.

Heavens Awake

Some days just change your whole reality.

DGF was born at 10.55 PM on New Year’s Eve. We should have had faith that as one of our children, D would choose to emerge on a holiday. This is, after all, P’s son! Free parties every birthday for the rest of his life!

Contractions started at 2.15 in the Super Mall of the Northwest. The running story is that the fact that this mall is in fact an outlet mall, sent me over the edge and into labor. The prices were very good! After long (for me) and difficult (posterior cervix that just wouldn’t move forward) labor, D emerged into his parents’ hands in a water birth, at home, nine hours later. G was able to cut the cord (with Daddy’s help) and hold him within seconds of his birth. He weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces and was 21 inches long. He’s perfect.

I hope his tiny body can contain all the love we’re throwing at him—all of us, including N—adore him, and this week has really blessed us with love and togetherness.

D-meister Greenleaf; 37 weeks Home Waterbirth w/ Siblings

It took me a year to write this birth story. It was almost as important to my life and worldview as ~G~'s, when I was born into motherhood. D-meister's birth was home-based, filled with family and friends. His momentous arrival was simultaneously mundane, and part of the ritual of waking and sleeping. I loved this entrance.

2.15 PM Contractions began at Super Mall of the Northwest, in Auburn. This became the source of much humor, because being new to the area, we had not been there before. When I saw that there was a Carters Outlet, I got too excited and went right into labor. Thankfully, that morning P-daddy had taken the kids to the park; I had showered and even blew dry my hair. Woowoo.

We all piled in the car to race home, but being new to the area and excited, we went the wrong way on the wrong freeway. We should have gone West on 18, but we ended up going North on 167 towards Seattle. We turned around in Kent, with my contractions still strong and regular. We called midwife around 3.00 pm, as we expected another precipitous labor with this guy. She’d had a birth the night before and had not yet been to sleep. Yikes. This made me feel guilty that I had gone into labor, and a little concerned about whether she would be ok to come. That seems silly to me now, but at that moment it was a concern for me, like she would tell me “No, you have to have your baby later.”

We made it home and dh started filling the birthing tub AKA fishy pool. Before he even pulled it out, G immediately raced upstairs and got dressed in her bathing suit. She had months ago seen a birth story (at Puget Sound Birth Center in Seattle) where the big sister delivered the baby in his waterbirth. She was adorably determined to be an active participant in welcoming her brother. My contractions began to fade in the hubbub of preparation and as I began to stress out because I’d not cleaned the house that morning. I was, however, very tired of being pregnant, and tired of false labor so I decided to walk them back in force.

This worked, but I didn’t tell dh where I was, and he was annoyed that I disappeared. He peeked out the front door and saw me chatting with a neighbor. I didn’t really want to be talking to the man, as I was in active labor; but I likewise didn’t want to appear rude to our new neighbor of three weeks. I didn’t want to tell him that I was in labor, either, so I settled for sideways pelvic rocking, shifting from foot to foot while I had the biggest grin on my face. He may have found me to be a cheery pregnant woman, but I was just delighting in the fantasy of how he would react if he knew I was going to have a baby RIGHT NOW. Would he run around? Would he be stunned that we weren’t leaving for the hospital? I finally got away from him, and headed up the opposite direction on the street. I had a labor mood swing and didn’t want ANY PEOPLE near me. I began to resent having to be outside in the cold to accomplish this, but I was mindful that I adored my family and didn’t want to hurt their feelings. A neighbor’s white van slowed next to me and I looked up with a scowl. Ah! It was the midwife! She and her daughter (her 13 yo girl Alyssa, here to help occupy the kids) laughed at me because I was glowering so hard. My mood swung back to “JOY, JOY THE BABY’S COMING!” and we all went in for me to be lightly fussed at by my husband for my leaving.

Ann got to business and checked me. I had been closed completely the day or so before, but I was now 4-5 cm, so yay! This was the official confirmation for me that this was it. I called ~A~ and webcammed with *T*. I said “*T*, say hi to Ann the midwife,” as *T* could see the midwife behind me in the room. Then, moments later, *T* wrote “Wait……..why is the MIDWIFE There?” *T* called Danny, so she came online too. They got to see me all giddy. ~A~ called Letijandra. MidwifeAnn called her midwife colleague and we settled in to the boring parts. dh and I watched MidwifeAnn unpack, we met the new midwife person and ~A~ arrived.

Eventually the hard labor began! ~A~ hijacked the camera from dh and got the best pictures we have of any of our births. This freed up dh to be with me completely and created a wonderful record. She was constantly making bawdy jokes and kept me laughing until I was complete, when allllll laughter stopped from me. She provided SERIOUS doula support; It was awesome for me, and for dh. Some favors are unforgettable, and she will always be in our hearts for that night.

I waited to get in tub until 7 cm. I used the birth ball, the birthing chair (from cousin Dennie) and the stairs until that point. The kids were ecstatic then. G was constantly supportive and inexhaustibly exuberant. She proved way beyond 4 yrs of age that night, and this homebirth meant so much to me for her sake. She’s old enough to remember it, and she learned so much. My daughter learned birth firsthand, and learned to be not afraid. She saw her brother from the moment he entered this world, and was involved in the family circle in a conscious way. I was not expecting at ALL to be as comforted by her presence as I was. Another joy there, another birth in my relationship with my daughter.

There was a problem with labor that prevented the precipitous labor we were all expecting: while baby was in proper birth position, my cervix wouldn’t come forward to drop baby into birth canal. My dilation was being hindered because my cervix was pointing toward my back instead of into my vagina. The midwife had to manually pull it forward. After several times of doing this and having the cervix revert to the posterior position, she held it while I pushed (not complete) to force it to be “stuck” in proper position with the baby’s head. This HURTS LIKE HELL. I was tiring now, and she went to break water at 8 cm, but was already breaking. Yay.

I experienced a crisis of confidence when I was finally complete. As with the other two, I couldn’t think to move past the pain. I abruptly left the birth tub and took dh with me to the bathroom. I was very sick of the heat and sweating. Even though I was home, I had many eyes on me and I felt like a fish in a bowl. It wasn’t terrible, but enough to make me want “my honey” alone. In the bathroom, I had pushy contractions and was able to void on the toilet, which greatly relieved me in several ways. I did not want to dirty the birth waters. Emptying out my front and back eased the constant pressure-pain; being with P-daddy alone allowed me to release the baby to come out.

The warm pool is truly the “aquadural” of birth story legend. My experiences of labor pain within and without had a noticeable difference. I went back to pool and eased baby out three contractions later.

During my crisis of confidence, I kept repeating two mantras, which strike me as quite bizarre in my opinion: “In pain she shall bring forth children (from Genesis)” and “I am utterly alone.” I felt this huge sense of being completely helpless.

The constant pain had terrified me. I’d never felt alone like I did this time and I don’t know why this birth made a difference. I remember wanting my Honey behind me in the pool, but then thinking I’d still be alone. This delivery was all up to me and I knew it. Maybe that’s it; typing this I am realizing that my solitude was feeling like there was no back up. That’s not the case, but outside the hospital setting it felt like it.

The relief I felt when I finally felt the ring of fire completely outweighed the simultaneous terror I had of ripping. I was flooded with JOY and VICTORY and RELIEF. I was literally praying, Thanking God it was over it was over it was over. I reached down, recognizing the signal, and felt his soft tuft of hair. It is the first time I had that. It was a miracle to me, and the being-alone sensation was something I relished then. The change was—only I knew he had arrived. It was a moment, just a moment, of being alone with this infant as he came into the world. I still feel his head in the palm of my hand. I hope I will always retain that sense of touch.

As he crowned and I began to push out his head, I realized I would need help with his shoulders to prevent tearing, and said that much out loud at least. My attendants swear they heard practically nothing I felt that I was ranting and shouting. I said, “I need help with the shoulders,” and MidfwifeAnn leapt up and came over to the pool. ~A~ and dh swear I said only “shoulders.” MidwifeAnn held my perineum for his shoulders to pass, and pushed him forward for me and dh.























D Greenleaf was born into Mom’s hands, brought out of the water into his parents’ waiting arms.

G had fallen asleep during my crisis of confidence. When I said shoulders, SitterAlyssa bodily picked her up and shook her so she would be awake for actual birth. (Another mom-daughter pair in action.) I am eternally grateful for that. N had fallen asleep hours before and he met baby in the morning.

I maintained a COMPLETE internal monologue the entire time and no one could really hear me. When not contracting, I could talk, but otherwise I would just THINK I was saying things. It was really frustrating me, because sometimes I was asking for help-- or thought I was—and not getting it. MidwifeAnn later explained this as quite common, describing the phenomenon as “Moms being in their own place” to do the work. It’s sort of a meditative state and explains why homebirths seem so quiet.

D didn’t nurse right away, but breathed immediately. He seemed to be gaping, which alarmed me but he was just drinking in the air. D didn’t cry until the midwife stimulated his back, and even then stopped quickly. He just lay there against my breast, looking around, taking it all in. We waited for cord to stop pulsing then G cut it—with help from dad. Dad and G held D while Mom delivered placenta. No rips, just some skidding for Mom, and swelling for baby and Mom.

Neighborhood fireworks went on for a while after the midwives left and G had gone to bed. We felt like the world was celebrating with us. Simultaneously, it was just dh and I with our newborn. For the first time I was able to sleep with dh after a birth. For the first time, dh was able to spend the night with his new baby. We felt our family was complete, together, content.

D pooped, peed and nursed the first hours he was out. He slept through the night and I showered the next morning. I was functioning properly in the bathroom within the first 8 hours without pain. That was so shocking to me. SO AWESOME.

He was the perfect baby. Everyone says it was a perfect birth. Reading this, I would agree. But I had to process that; all externals were saying “Yay you!” while I felt my body failed me. I had to reframe my expectations entirely in retrospect; I had expected a painless, precipitous birth as I’d had with N. Now, I feel grateful and “Yay me.” After nine hours of labor, including one hour of pushing, I did not tear and had a water birth in front of crackling fireplace… not a bad birth at all.


D. Greenleaf F.
(AKA Thumper Thomas Apple Lighthouse Mt Rainier the Tax Deduction)
10.55 PM 12/31/04
7 pounds 8 ounces
21.5 inches long
14 inch head



Random funnies:

N got into the birthing tub nude, and Midwife visibly relaxed upon seeing his little intact self. “Oh good! I didn’t want to try to talk you out of circumcising your baby!”

G: “I know you can do it Mommy! I just know you can push the baby out!” alternated with “Are you pushing the baby out yet Mommy?” and “I’m so proud of you, Mommy!” She said this constantly for about three hours, until she fell asleep.

Movers Suck Really Bad

Finally located some of P’s winter clothes today. Movers are colossally stupid, or just generally lazy.

Note to mover: the garage is where the car goes. Games, bed linens, kitchen supplies and leather jackets do not go in the garage. The master bedroom is not where boxes marked “kitchen pans,” “girls room closet,” and “family room stereo” go.

Note to packer: Leather jackets are not tools. Homeschool supplies, when clearly labeled “homeschool,” are not games. Games are not tools. Christmas wrapping paper rolls are not “tall toy items.” Stain stick and Oxiclean are not generic “garage items.”

English is GOOD, particularly when it is your native language. Learn to read it!

Holding Pattern

I remember the discomforts of pregnancy mainly through memory of the words I used to describe it then; not physically. This is a pain in the behind. The visco topper for the mattress has saved me from the balance of the pain I usually experience in my hips and groin, but nothing can protect me from the fatigue. I have this drive to make this house a HOME. I really need it to be, and I have until Christmas Eve which is on Friday, to so it. I want it finished. It’s not hard to do—we planned this move carefully to make it as simple as possible on this end.

But I am
so
tired.

I was in bed for a couple of days with the prodromal labor, which has subsided. I see the midwife tonight (in a couple of hours) and I will see what happens with that. Hopefully the sight of her does not (or do I want it to?) put me into hard labor. I want to meet this little guy. And I want him to let me walk around again!

Crampy and Campy

Also typical of me, my body has decided to out this baby out early. I am 35 weeks 6 days by most counts and the baby wants OUT. The midwife has me on bedrest and I am supposed to drink beer or wine—at least one a day to keep my irritable uterus calmed down. I need to get at least to 36 weeks, preferably 37. Doesn’t feel good and certainly adds to my stress. We still haven’t trimmed the tree. We bought the damn thing—it’s standing in the living room—but it’s just bare. I knew with the move coming when it has that we would sacrifice a lot this year, but my kids WILL have a Christmas.

My online friend *T* stayed on the phone with me for a good two hours while I labored away. Good for me, had to be weird for her! No family here, no friends to come watch the kids. This is such a bizarre place to be socially for us.

Children cuteness: N tells everyone he can about how he has “finawwy seen Mt. Reindeer.” He took a week to get on Pacific Time but he’s there at last. G is having a blast and even she acknowledges that so I am happy with for her part of it. She says Washington is “not scary at all” as she had feared, and that she is enjoying learning all the new things. I have been scouring the children’s periodicals and am overwhelmed with all there is to do here. They definitely won’t want for fun or education!

And the Fast forward......

Typically of me, the pregnancy and the resulting excitement has occupied me sufficiently that I dumped my journal. 2004 has also shown us the worst hurricane season the Southeast has seen in 20 years. Florida was devastated by three consecutive CAT 4 hurricanes, all of which brushed by Charleston on their way out. We were directly hit with an additional Tropical Storm, which of course is nothing, but having to prepare to evacuate six times in a summer was no fun, especially given my pregnancy and P having to prep his residential care facility house instead of ours. I was by myself and I really hated it.

This summer’s garden was a success too. I had more victories than failures, and I learned a lot about gardening and pacing. Next year that yard will be beautiful. We planted a lot of things that will come back in full force. We also had a rat snake try to make it’s way into the house. I have been around snakes all my life but this one was IN our kitchen and we didn’t know it. One of us closed the side door in time to crush its head but we didn’t find it for a few days. Compounded by the fact that as juveniles, rat snakes and Eastern rattlers look identical, I was completely creeped out. Between that and the hurricanes I was ready to leave Charleston behind.

Since I last wrote, I have discovered that this baby—Thumper—is a boy, due January 17, 2005. More than that, we were planning on having an unassisted homebirth. My ideal fantasy was to have the baby in front of our glorious, crackling fireplace in a birthing tub, accompanied by my husband and my daughter. Thanks in part to a homebirth video we all watched, G is insisting that she even be in the tub with me to help the baby come out.

Typically for my pregnancies, life cannot be that simple. At least this change in plans is not devastating, like a hurricane or a gall bladder surgery. Throughout the summer P and I blanketed certain parts of the country with his resumes. After some intense negotiations, P took a job with CV in Tacoma. So now we live in Pugetopolis and P earns about 25K more a year. And I am 35 weeks pregnant. How’s that for drastic. So I am sitting here typing with many boxes to my right, and sleeping children upstairs.

We flew in on December 3rd, and since then, we have seen the Space Needle, the Woodlands Zoo in Seattle, and Mt. Rainier. We have spent time with my online Mommy friend ~A~ and her family. And we have explored, explored, explored. It’s beautiful here—rainy as hell, true—but beautiful. This transition has been extremely difficult but we planned the heck out of it so I think once we sell our house in Charleston (been on market since October) and get through moving and Christmas expenses, we’ll be much better off and able to enjoy the area thoroughly.

It was nice purging most of our material things, useless or unused, but I really want to get our home in order. We’re renting for a year or so first and I definitely don’t want to spend that time amid boxes. I am pushing to be unpacked before Christmas and definitely before baby arrives.

BFP!

I took a pregnancy test this morning and it is positive. I am so excited I can’t stand myself. I have to focus enough to get through the small amount of work I have to do to deliver some food this morning. Then I can play with my kidlets all day! WooohooOO!

Goodbye

I think, based on what a computer literate friend says, that I have lost the c: drive of the older computer. It contained my journal from the past ten years, and the journals I have kept to both G and N. I suspect that I have backed up my journal and maybe G's but def not N's, and I am very sad. I think it speaks very well of my personal growth that I am not hysterical now. I have a photo record of both their lives so I can reconstruct most of it, at least the factual stuff. But my journal is gone. It makes me very sad.

Garden Journal-- Charleston

Bed A contains rosemary, 3 kinds of mint, sage, thyme, cucumbers, zucchini, head lettuce, beets, summer squash and butternut squash.

Bed B contains 3 tomatoes, Italian Romano Beans, summer savory, carrots, yellow onions and one sad little cabbage.

Various containers in the garden are holding cherry tomatoes, basil, dill, radishes and carrots.

~A~’s Pumpkins are planted with some four o’clocks around that 2 x 4, just below the frame. The sunflower house is just to the right of what you can see here.

Pumpkins


Baby Sunflower in a cutworm ring

Lettuce and Mint

We have pole beans planted in a circle around a freestanding clothes dryer. The PVC ring on the ground will form the base for the twine to attach to the top.

Gardening journal-- Charleston

Dug Bed C yesterday

double dug then layered newspaper, potash, turned earth and compost. The soil there was rich and black I am excited about it.



Miracle Gro Day

The kids were outside at 8.30 am so I went with the flow. We inspected the toads and green frogs then got to work. Used miracle gro on veg beds, all outside potted plants, sunflower house, slope, butterfly garden, fairy garden and roses.

Rose garden

Blooming like crazy! Weeded grass, deep watered into milk jugs, blew some ant farms away with the hose (got bitten a LOT), laid newspaper then cedar on top. Two bags of cedar were NOT enough. Will need to get some more today or newspaper wil dry up and blow away. N accidentally broke purple gazing globe by thinking it was a ball and tossing it onto the cement garden border.

Garden Journal-- Charleston

In vegetable bed B

• planted best boys, earl girl tomatoes
• 3 marigolds
• 50 yellow onions. it was already sprinkling when I started so I am hoping God will do the watering for me.

All seeds are germinating except butternut squash and the ones given to us by the Stinsons: chamomile, white chives, moonflower and rose of sharon. That's weird, but since they were "wild" harvests maybe they take longer? I peeked at Moonflower and there is activity there, so maybe it will work. That's the plant I want the most.

NO activity from my nasturtiums and cosmos on the slope bed. Will transfer my zinnia and four o clock there, and hope the stonecrops take off.

Garden Journal -- Charleston

Beds:

• P-daddy double dug vegetable bed B
• Planted purple phlox, one marigold and two sedum on slope bed
• Sowed nasturtium and cosmos seeds. Planning now to have the annual arden while growing in the mixed groundcover. Found 2 foot garden snake in slope (and it's shed skin) which creeped me out. Yuck.

Seeds:

• P-daddy has bell pepper sprouting in 3 pots
• Sowed more pepper seed
• Purchased watermelon, yellow onions, blue lake pole beans, marigold and black bean seed.

Purchases:

• Red cedar for rose bed mulch and path between vegetable beds
• Learned border edging with 2x4s will be about 12 feet for 6.00
• Purchased a roma tomato plant and a beefmaster tomato plant

Postpartum Postscript

I wrote that birth story soon after Ni's birth, and it is the one he will see while he is young, if he even asks about it.

The jarring discongruity of how smoothly this birth actually would have happened, with how much of an emergency the nurses treated it sent me into a sort of shock. I felt as if something had been forcibly stolen from me. Those 15 minutes were so traumatic that I allowed them to take N from me after just a few minutes, and I didn't ask for him again for two hours. Pushing as hard as I could, not to deliver my son but to get them OFF me, resulted in jagged tear down my episiotomy scar that took months to heal. They kept me pumped full of electrolytes I didn't need, and this resulted in an alarming swelling, clearly visible to anyone who knew me, but which did not seem to bother the nursing staff. My baby was also shocked, and craved only to be held by his mother. He didn't want to nurse, just to rest in the crook of my neck, and he would cry for me whenever they tried to take him. Thankfully, my mother bear kicked back in and I reclaimed full rights to my baby (No you may not take him, without asking, to the nursery because the pediatrician might get here within the hour) within 24 hours.

I went into a seven-month, undiagnosed postpartum depression that impacted our entire family, and I swore never to return to the hospital setting for a routine birth. The disconnect I felt from him would be defeated when I thought of him as a "poor baby who needs a mother." I didn't feel like I was his mother, but I knew he needed one and I would do. PPD is very strange.

Before delivering N, I had researched unassisted births as a matter of course. My obstetrician knew that this baby would be fast, and had advised me not to worry about it, just be ready in case I didn't make it to the hospital in time. N was very nearly a homebirth by choice, and our last minute decision to go to the hospital is one I regret to this day. When you know better, you do better; in this case I knew what they were doing to me was wrong, but they didn't stop when I said no.

Our lives would have been very different had we delivered that sweet baby in the safety and privacy of our home. I am happy with my bubbly, funny son. His sweet cherubic face with those bright blue eyes lights my life. I only wish his welcome had been the peaceful one he deserved.

N's Birth Story

I woke just before 5 am with a contraction that was a little strong, which wasn’t unusual for me this late in the pregnancy. I got up to use the bathroom, as normally a full, sleepy bladder triggered those early morning wakeups for me and I knew peeing would relieve my bladder and the contractions. While in the bathroom, I had some diarrhea but thought nothing of it. I cleaned up and went back to sleep. A few minutes later another contraction woke me. I rolled over, thinking that it was annoying but also that it would be cool to have a baby on mother’s day, just not likely for me! I did check the time, 5.07, and went back to sleep. When the next one woke me, I asked P-Daddy to tell me the time. It was 5.27. That settled it for me; they were too far apart, no matter how intense. Now I was wide-awake and a little perturbed because I knew I was too agitated now to go back to sleep. I went to use the bathroom again and spent a while on the toilet with even more diarrhea and what I thought was the BIGGEST hiccup my baby had ever had; my whole abdomen went “boing.” Now keep in mind N had been at zero station for weeks and I was squatting—I had no idea that it was my water breaking, as he blocked the way and no water seeped out. I did have a little, slight bleeding and that’s what clued me in.

Soon I realized these were THE contrax. When I got a break from the incessant poopie contrax, I went to the bedroom where P-Daddy and G were both sleeping. It was 5.55 and I flipped the light on and off so as not to wake G. P-Daddy stirred, and I said only “Yup!” before returning to my friend, the modern birthing stool, the toilet. P-Daddy began the labor phone tree and called our friend and tenant, Lindsey to come watch G. He called S, my best friend, who was supposed to be in the labor room with us. When Lindsey arrived I was in the bathroom, Breathing and leaning against the sink. She asked what she could do, and I wanted her to make P-Daddy coffee. I knew I needed an alert husband. At this point, I took a shower. After an hour of diarrhea, I knew I was going to want a shower before displaying my bottom to anyone. As I was getting in, P-Daddy asked what to tell the OB, whom he just paged. “How far apart are the contrax?” I told him to say, “We’re coming in. Period.” The contraction that hit me at this point was intense enough that I could only stand in the too-hot shower while waiting for it to pass. I couldn’t move to adjust the temperature. What struck me about labor was that as intense as the contrax themselves were, when they faded I could move and speak. I really enjoyed my mobility, our advance planning and the “freedom” between contractions. It was like racing against the clock to “get things done,” which unknowingly, I was.

After my shower, I pulled on a shift dress and my clogs. The bags had been in the car for weeks so all we had to do was GO. However at this point, two things happened—another set of poopie contrax and my daughter waking up. She was very upset to see us dressed for going bye bye while she had been sleeping. She didn’t want to see Lindsey and instead, while I am on the toilet, climbed onto my nine-months pregnant lap with her cup her binky and tried her best to fall asleep instantly. I looked at Lindsey, who had followed her into the bathroom and said, “This is dignity!” So at this point I still had a semblance of a sense of humor.

We finally left our home at 6.38am. Blessings here—an early Sunday morning drive to a hospital WAY on the other side of town. We encountered no traffic and only a few stoplights and had complete privacy. The contrax in the car were Serious Contrax. I felt each contraction wave from my lungs to my rectum, down and through my body. They would have been more painful, but in the smooth, quiet Windstar with only my husband and the sense of motion, I was in total control. I asked him to remind me to Breathe, as it would have been easy at this point to shudder and pant right out of control. So every so often during the drive he would say “Breathe,” and so my husband and I labored together in comfort, en route! I did end up chewing on the shoulder belt but I can’t say I was in excruciating agony. I remember thinking two things—first, the contrax were three minutes apart and hard—wasn’t that transition? And second, I could wait until I got the hospital and got my epidural. I could hold out until then. Breaking down before then would just be a waste of energy. I am not a touchy feely laboring woman; I want him THERE but not touching me at all. P-Daddy has to be doing something at all times, not just sitting there being supportive. So having him have something imperative to do was the BEST solution, again unknown to us at the time, for us both.

When we arrived at the hospital, I could barely walk. I sat in the bathroom of the ER lobby (again the modern birthing stool) while we waited for the wheelchair from Labor and Delivery. It didn’t take long, but I couldn’t pee or poop. I knew from my prior labor that since I really believed I needed to, that N’ head was well in the birth canal. I just squatted there until I saw the wheel chair then kind of wide-leg wobbled into a squat on it. Again, I wasn’t crying or anything, just REAL focused and quiet. P-Daddy moved the van while the nurse wheeled me upstairs. We chatted briefly (can you believe it) between contractions. She wheeled me straight into the delivery room closest to the nurses’ station. It was shift change so we passed incoming nurses as we went. This is when it got weird for me. It was 7.15 AM.

The nurse who was “orienting” me wanted me to pee in a cup and put on the hospital gown. I told her I couldn’t pee anymore, but she said “Try, it’s ok if you don’t get any. If you can’t just put on the robe.” She put me in the bathroom and starting telling P-Daddy he had to register us as he hadn’t downstairs. I told them, yelling from the bathroom that we had already pre-registered. While the nurse ignored me and P-Daddy showed her the paperwork, the contrax kept coming and I kept yelling about registration. No way in HELL was I going to let them take P-Daddy from me right then. I finally collapsed to all fours in the bathroom, sobbing “I want my Honey!” The nurse saw me, half in the gown half not, and said “Oh no she’s crying.” I guess she finally felt for me and helped P-Daddy get me to the bed. I could not walk on my own at all then. She told P-Daddy he had to sign for the epidural, and he said fine. Then she checked me and her face turned GREY. ‘You’re complete!” “I know.” “No epidural for you, honey.” “I knoooowww.”

At that point she bolted from the room and started barking orders to the other nurses. Turns out she was the charge nurse, and all the other labor nurses had been assigned to the laboring women already on the floor. With the shift change and the confusion, we ended up with eight or nine nurses in the room, each taking one task to get it done before the baby arrived. I can scoff at the bedlam now, but at the time it stressed me out and made me completely lose control. The urge to push was THERE and I was on a bed, strapped to a fetal tone monitor and a blood pressure cuff. One nurse was trying to sink an IV and the other kept pressing on my abdomen asking me if I was having contractions. She hurt me—I couldn't even feel the one doing the IV. The IV nurse was trying to get me to “heee heee heee” breathe to not push through the contrax, but I just couldn’t hear her. I knew what was going on, and it wasn’t ME making the fluid gush with every contraction. N was coming out whether I pushed or not, and with every contraction I hollered like a banshie. It sure made me feel better at least.

When the OB arrived, she turned out to be someone I knew from my OB’s practice, and was the same OB who was there for me the night I had my gall bladder attack. Between my husband and the OB, I got through fine. Dr. Joseph remembered me and just kept smiling and laughing. She told me later she just couldn’t believe I was back for her shift, and that it was a fun Mother’s Day delivery for her. She didn’t try to override P-daddy’s coaching because she knew the baby was coming on his own too. With two pushing contractions, N C was born at 7.30 AM on May 12^th. He weighed 8 pounds, 12 ounces and measured 21.5 inches long. Shelley did arrive—I saw her just as they moved N from my belly to the warmer for newborn procedures.

Incidentally, it was the first birth on Mother’s Day for the hospital and N and I were interviewed for the 11.00 news. Wouldn’t you know that of the entire discussion, they had to include the “I didn’t get my epidural” sound byte. I had people calling from my old neighborhood, and the nurses who came in every shift after that said “Hey! I saw you on the news!”