So the van was officially on fire.
The starter, which had been cranky, apparently wouldn't stop "starting" while I was driving that day. It caught fire and then baked itself so badly that I can't even change it out with a core charge. It took the wiring harness and the battery with it.
Then they said we have a "significant coolant leak" which pissed me off because in February, they replaced the radiator and the water pump, which is partly why we're mired in credit card hell. I told him he'd better have a very nice answer to me on that one because those parts pretty much are the coolant system, and I didn't expect to hear much more about it once they'd repaired that.